Breaking the Guilt Cycle: I Lied, I Wasn’t Happy
Please note that this article was originally published on my website www.charliiestruth.com, and is now being shared on Medium for a broader audience (with an extended list).
For as long as I’ve known my father, he has never asked me if I was happy. Until one day HE DID! And he asked me more than once as if he didn’t believe me when I said yes the first time.
I guess I couldn’t hide it anymore.
But I continued for months, trying to convince myself that I was happy because I thought I had to be.
Eventually, I couldn’t hide it anymore, I wasn’t happy. My peace was starting to suffer and I was starting to withdraw.
I wanted to be happy in my circumstances. I wanted to be happy because everyone else seemed to be happy for me.
The reality was, that I was raised in NYCHA, under the care of the State, and eventually reunited with a mother, who put my siblings and me in danger, more times than I could count. With this in mind, I kept telling myself that I should be happy. I should be grateful that things are not what they were. How dare I not be happy? And If I wasn’t happy, did that mean I wasn’t grateful?
These thoughts and questions kept me from acknowledging that I wasn’t happy. I guilted myself into always responding that I was happy because I had convinced myself that I MUST be happy.
I had done things people told me I never would. I felt as if people would love to have accomplished and experienced the things I’ve had the opportunity to experience; yet here I was, feeling like it wasn’t enough. Here I was –WANTING more.
I guilted myself into the idea of happiness.
But I wasn’t happy.
It’s as if I believed I didn’t deserve more than I had since I had already received more than I was told I should.
Today, I don’t believe I deserve what I have. But the amazing thing is, I don’t have to deserve any of this to be blessed with it. My life has never been about me. At a very young age, I acknowledged feeling as if my life wasn’t mine. I acknowledged feeling as if my experiences were meant to benefit someone else.
So in processing my true feelings of unhappiness, I stopped myself from feeling the need to judge how I felt and allowed myself to bring awareness to my feelings, desires, and ambitions.
By passing judgment on my unhappiness, I started mitigating and crushing my potential. This was leading me to feel stuck and unable to envision what was next.
You can want more, and not feel guilty.
You can want more, and have gratitude for the NOW!
When you want more and feel guilty for wanting more, this can cause you to be in an empty place.
This empty place can keep you stuck — I WAS THERE!
It may have taken me a little while to accept that I wasn’t happy and end the guilt trip — but I eventually was able to do it.
If you are in this place, where you are grateful, but you want more (and mayfeel guilty about it) — here are 4 thoughts I’d like to share with you:
Acknowledge your feelings. Acknowledge what you truly do feel and ask yourself why. To move forward, you need to understand and acknowledge where you are. Understanding why you are unhappy, anxious, disappointed, or frustrated, will help you figure out what to do next.
Give yourself permission to make new decisions. Give yourself permission to move on when things don’t serve you. Life is a process of becoming; it requires that decisions and changes be made along the way. We enter relationships, jobs, and other situations and sometimes we eventually outgrow them or find that they’re actually not a good fit for us. If you find yourself in a place where you’re not comfortable with a decision you made, give yourself permission to make a new decision and allow yourself to be okay with the change.
Give yourself permission to be ambitious. Do not shy away from being ambitious. You have something to contribute to the world and you don’t have to apologize for that. Despite the image the world often portrays of successful women, being ambitious does not make you selfish and does not require you to neglect everything else around you. So much personal growth and development comes from being ambitious.
Practice gratitude. I encourage you to make your current circumstances amazing because at any moment they can change. It’s important to enjoy “the NOW.” Practicing gratitude helps you stay focused on the things that help bring joy to you. Plus, practicing gratitude has a ton of benefits that positively impact every area of your life (emotional, social, career, health, personality, etc.). Remember, the key is practice/consistency. Find practices that resonate with you and integrate them into your daily or weekly routine.
IDEAS FOR PRACTICING GRATITUDE:
1. Gratitude Journaling:
- Write down three things you’re grateful for each day.
- Reflect on specific moments or people that brought you joy.
2. Expressing Thankfulness:
- Share positive feedback with colleagues, friends, or family.
- Tell someone you appreciate them or write a gratitude letter.
Something I started to notice and adopt is that everyone is making a choice. Choosing to be in my life. Choosing to be kind. Choosing to be honest. And so I started to give thanks to them. Even if it’s your job, I express thanks because you can provide service in whatever energy, but they are choosing to be kind and I want to let them know I notice it and I am grateful.
3. Mindful Appreciation:
- Take a moment to savor the details of your surroundings.
- Appreciate the taste, aroma, and texture of your meals.
4. Gratitude Walks:
- While walking, focus on things in nature or your environment that you’re thankful for.
- Acknowledge the simple beauty around you.
5. Morning Gratitude Rituals:
- Start your day by listing things you’re grateful for.
- Set a positive tone for the day with a gratitude affirmation.
6. Gratitude Jar:
- Write notes of gratitude and place them in a jar.
- Review the notes during challenging times or at the end of the year.
7. Digital Detox:
- Dedicate specific times to disconnect from screens.
- Use this time to appreciate the offline world and your surroundings.
- Practice gratitude by putting away your phone when spending time with loved ones. Embrace the opportunity to fully engage and be present in the moment, fostering deeper connections and appreciation for the people around you.
8. Gratitude Meditation:
- Incorporate gratitude into your meditation practice.
- Focus on feelings of gratitude, sending positive vibes to others.
9. Reflect on Challenges:
- Find lessons or silver linings in challenging situations.
- Acknowledge personal growth that came from overcoming difficulties.
10. Gratitude Board:
- Create a visual representation of things you’re grateful for.
- Use images, quotes, or symbols to capture your gratitude.