if it ends, it ends: stop holding your breath
It was a mindset shift.
Well… first it was awareness.
It was realizing that, I was holding my breath.
I wasn’t being with the moment. I was living in the future.
I didn’t want to get too comfortable, in case it ended.
Stop Holding Your Breath, 2023, by author during a shroom trip
Well — let it end.
If it ends it ends; at least you had the experience.
At least you got to enjoy yourself.
So what if it ends?
And so what if it never happens again?
You’ll never get to this moment again, anyway.
Even if it’s similar, it’ll be different.
You’ll be different.
Stop holding your breath.
Be with this moment.
Enjoy this moment.
It’s never coming again.
But what if it ends?!
At least you had the experience.
Now, we begin again.
The energies said to me:
“Stop holding your breath.”
I realized that fear was here. I was on a shroom trip and my eyes kept watering and the energies were telling me that’s fear — go there.
Follow it… it’s okay.
They wanted me to see that when my eyes would water this way, I was experiencing fear; hesitant to move from the space, but that if I kept going, the fear would dissipate.
It’s not real.
It was this paralyzing feeling. My “programming” or beliefs were creating tension in my body.
It was this stiffness. This heavy feeling. My shoulders were up. My jaw was clenched.
Let go, Charliie. Be here.
During this trip, I realized how often I would try to get stuck in the moment. How I was so afraid for an experience to end, or maybe one to begin, that I didn’t want to move. As if not moving would hold time still.
I remember this one weekend I stayed up late, and I started to laugh at myself because I realized what I was attempting to do. I was trying to get the most out of the weekend so my solution was to stay up as long as I could — LOL.
The weekend ended. I was exhausted. But I had awareness.
My main income is from contracts, and sometimes these contracts end and I have a week or two in between where I do not work.
These spaces in between were meant to help me build my business or do whatever else I would rather do. However, when these breaks would come, I would find myself in these paralyzing states, where I wasn’t doing what I said I would. I would be lying around, calling myself relaxing. But when I look back, I know it had more to do with emotional regulation.
I was dreading returning to work. I was too scared to work on my stuff because I didn’t want to be interrupted.
What if I get so into a project and a new contract comes?
I will do busy work in the meantime.
It helped me feel okay, but I wasn’t doing what I actually wanted to do. I wasn’t doing the things that would help me get out of this cycle.
I wanted to stop depending on these contracts, but I wasn’t doing what would help me out of it… and part of it was due to fear.
I was holding my breath.
Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash
Instead of working on my craft and skills during my breaks, I was anxiously awaiting the emails that offered me another opportunity. Then the email would come and I would feel this sense of peace and ease because now I know when this break ends.
Instead of just enjoying the break. Being with this part of the process, I was anticipating its ending.
In a cycle of avoidance.
But now I have awareness… I have this knowing.
I can see when it is happening, and choose to stop holding my breath, which gets me back into the flow of things.
I AM NO LONGER HOLDING MY BREATH.
I am open to experiencing all that life unfolds for me.
Being present is a skill that develops with practice. Start with small moments and gradually expand your capacity to be fully engaged in the present experience. Here are 5 practices that you can start with:
1. Mindful Breathing:
Ground yourself by focusing on your breath. Notice the inhalation and exhalation, bringing your attention back whenever your mind wanders.
This was the first-ever technique for grounding I ever used. I would take a single breath and notice the shift it made for me. I could feel it in my body that there was space. There was clarity. There was peace. I thought it was the coolest thing how easy it was to connect back to the state of peace and neutrality.
2. Observation Without Judgment:
Observe your surroundings, emotions, and thoughts without attaching judgments. Let them flow through you like passing clouds.
Sometimes I just pay attention to my thoughts. See where they go. Laugh at them, because huh?! Why do you wonder what a cat might sing?! (Not an actual thought, but it could be. lol). I stay curious about what’s coming up for me, or what captures my attention, but I don’t typically attach to any reasonings or beliefs I come up with.
3. Single-Tasking:
Focus on one task at a time. Whether it’s eating, working, or walking, immerse yourself fully in the activity without distractions.
With experience, I’ve realized that multitasking is not my thing. I didn’t realize how much energy is exerted going from one task to another until I did.
I’m practicing being with one task, closing the energy to it, and then heading to the next. This way my energy isn’t scattered or leaking, and I’m practicing healthy energy maintenance for myself.
Not to mention; it also helps to be present with what you’re engaged in at the moment, as opposed to doing an actual task and doing mental work for other tasks.
4. Acceptance of Emotions:
Acknowledge and accept your emotions without resistance. Allow them to be present, knowing that emotions are temporary.
I love to feel; I didn’t always have a connection to my feelings.
There is something so freeing about it because it’s a guide in a sense. By accepting my emotions, I am with what is. I can connect with my emotions and understand what is coming up for me and how that relates to the experience I am having.
Each emotion is a communication to me. A guide. A messenger. Emotions aren’t good or bad, they ARE.
Instead of resisting my emotions, and getting caught up in them, wishing them away, or getting distracted by their presence; I accept them. Through this acceptance I can stay grounded in the current moment, fostering a deeper connection with your experiences, and promoting overall well-being.
5. Regular Check-Ins:
Throughout the day, pause for brief moments of self-reflection. Check-in with your thoughts, feelings, and the environment around you.
This is the key to it all. The Book of Joy would probably say this is how you build mental immunity.
This is my “Stay ready so you don’t have to get ready.”
Regular check-ins foster a continuous awareness of my thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. This ongoing mindfulness ensures that I am consistently attuned to the present moment and experience I am part of. The more you practice this, the more intuitive it becomes. It becomes an embodied practice; a way of being.
Life is a series of moments, and they are never repeated. So, take a deep breath, release your worries, and immerse yourself in the magic of now.
Have you been holding your breath?
xx,
CHARLiiE