Getting Everything I Wanted and Feeling Unhappy
I wanted to be successful. I wanted a life my parents would be proud of.
I attained everything I dreamed of, only to find myself engulfed in a sea of unhappiness. The illusion of fulfillment led me to the true essence of happiness and peace.
My Foundation.
I grew up in New York City. I was raised in a foster home, in Hammels Projects. During my teenage years, I resided in the poorest borough in NYC; the Bronx, with my biological family.
My community was made up of adults who did not work or worked low-paying jobs. Most families were single-parent homes. We received public assistance. I think most people I knew received public assistance.
The goal seemed to be not to get pregnant before finishing high school, but it was expected that you’d have a child by 25; at least that’s how it seemed.
I remember being young, a teenager, and thinking, I want to live on my own in New York City without depending on the government. That’s what I wanted for myself. Not because there was anything wrong with government assistance, it was because of the way I saw people who went to those offices being treated; it was pretty sad.
Around me, life seemed lackluster, no one was doing anything exciting, and I didn’t know any doctors or attorneys, aside from the ones with whom I was a client or patient. The only teachers I knew were the ones inside my school. I don’t remember many “professionals” around me.
I had a couple of friends whose parents worked. My dad worked, my mother did not. And yes I knew that I was expected to finish high school and get a job, but college, in my household, was not a priority.
Life around me did not seem to be made of much else: become an adult, get a job, have a child, and wait to retire.
But there was television, and there were books, where other worlds existed. And though I did not know how I could create a life outside of the ones that I kept seeing, I knew I wanted more. At a minimum, I wanted to be able to financially and comfortably care for myself.
I had this deep and nagging feeling that my education would be the thing to help me create my way.
I Joined the Military.
I did two years of college and realized that college would not be enough, I needed to create a foundation for myself. I decided to join the military.
While in the military, I felt like I had everything I could ever want. My life experience was bigger than I had dreamed.
I had a car that I got on my own. I lived in a full two-bed, two-bathroom apartment, where I took care of myself. I had a career. Great credit. I was in college. I got to travel with my friends.
What else was there?!
I had it all, from my point of view.
Coming from where I started, “I had made it.”
Now, I would think — if you had everything you wanted plus more, you’d be pretty happy, but that was not the case!
I started to feel miserable.
I was so unhappy.
I felt depressed.
I was shocked that I could feel this way when I had everything I thought I wanted.
I was extremely sad. If someone asked me, how are you, I would cry. It got to the point where I could not hide what I was going through.
My light was dimming. I was exhausted. It was clear that just because I was “good” at something, didn’t mean it was for me– I decided to separate from the military.
And life went on.
This Experience from the Military Shook My World.
I was in my early 20’s, I was still learning about the real world. I was expanding in my awareness of what else was possible for me, outside of what I saw in New York City. I never realized that going after dreams was not going to be the thing to make me happy, and I also was not sure what I was looking for.
If that didn’t make me happy, what would?
Keep in mind, I am in my 20’s and probably a bit naive.
Several years later, I moved back to New York City.
By this time, I had become a licensed attorney, had traveled the world, owned my car, and fulfilled my dream of packing up my car and driving across the country.
My new dreams and visions were being fulfilled.
Once settled in my New York City apartment, I remembered my desire as a young girl — to live in New York City, in my own apartment, and not be dependent on the government… Again! I felt like I had made it.
But a couple of months into my attorney job, there it was again, DEPRESSION!
I experienced a dark night of the soul.
I felt depressed. Unhappy. And started to experience passive suicidal ideation. It was overwhelming.
I felt hurt!
I felt disappointed.
How could I be in this state again?
It started to feel like no matter what I did, nothing worked. I was right back to square one, depressed and unhappy.
This was another time when I had everything I thought I wanted. And yet, I felt so unhappy.
The biggest realization I took away from these experiences was that everyone should experience getting what they want.
This whole experience was shocking to me. I thought for sure if I met the world’s idea of success that I would be happy, that my life would be set.
However, I was met with constant seasons of depression, and realizations that who I was told I should be, was not who I was.
Everyone Should Get What They Want.
Jim Carrey said something similar too!
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
What I learned is that you think you’re unhappy because you lack materialistic things or you think you’re missing out on something that others have access to, but it’s never about that thing.
Many of us are seeking external happiness because we haven’t realized what it is we truly desire. Many of us are raised to focus on specific things, and we keep that at the forefront of our minds.
We don’t think about our unique needs.
We get fixated on what people tell us to chase after.
But what happens when you realize those things are not fulfilling for you?
What happens when you get your desires met and realize that it is not what you thought it would be? You realize it doesn’t feel the way you thought it would.
I thought I wanted these different things, and then I got them: I served my country. I moved out of New York City and created a foundation for myself. I traveled the world. I lived in different states. I became an attorney. I worked with the foster youth. I worked at non-profits.
I did the things I thought would fulfill me, and none of it did.
There was something heartbreaking, and yet freeing about that.
These experiences helped me realize that there is nothing outside of me that can create everlasting peace, everlasting happiness, or true joy.
Because whenever that high wears off, your soul Self will start erupting. Then your ego will get uncomfortable.
And most of us know that that’s when the healing happens. That’s when the shadow is coming to your awareness, and we see the untruth. We realize that the things we were seeking were to fulfill the ego’s needs and not our true self.
Getting What We Think We Want, Will Lead Us to Our Truth.
There was something so interesting about realizing that these material things can never make me happy.
From these experiences, I started to understand the concept of “being in this world, and not of it.”
We are taught and trained to want these worldly things, very rarely are we taught that it may not be fulfilling. I had everything I thought I wanted, and there I was, in constant discomfort and pain.
It did not matter what degree I got.
It did not matter what job title I had. For me, none of it mattered. My soul’s idea of success was not going to be found in recognition from the outside world. Or from accolades. I was engaged in a bunch of busy work.
And this is not to say that I regret anything or think it was pointless, absolutely not. I believe I had those experiences to realize that it will never be enough. To realize that most of the things I desire were my ego’s desires and not my soul’s.
I Give Thanks for the Experiences, They Taught Me That Every Experience Matters.
I am grateful for every opportunity and experience I have, whether it’s for five minutes or five years.
I started to recognize the importance of these experiences, the importance of open doors, and the importance of closed doors.
I now recognize that the whole journey matters. And it’s not about winning at everything. It’s not about showing your loyalty forever. Or being “successful” at the things you attempt.
It’s about allowing your soul to emerge. Allowing the truth of your essence to be activated and expressed with clarity.
In those seasons of depression and sadness, I started to recognize it as a sign that my soul was speaking, and ready to emerge.
These are opportunities to say yes. To say, “I will shine a light on this.”
“I will acknowledge this.”
“I will come back to my truth.”
Getting Everything I Wanted Became a Key to Setting Myself Free.
To be in your 20s and notice that the things you’ve been told to go after, don’t fulfill you, can be heartbreaking, and it was.
I felt lost. I felt misled. I felt angry. And I also felt that life was not fair.
I had everything I thought I wanted. I did everything I was told would make me happy and successful. And yet there I was, alone, depressed and unsure of what to do.
But these experiences also led me to my truth.
I was not like everyone else. What most people saw as success, I did not.
It’s important to know what you desire, there may be other ways to have your needs met.
Money did not motivate me. I experienced different tax brackets and when it came down to it, the experiences were the same. Money is a tool to be used to help us create an enjoyable experience.
I was depressed because I wasn’t living out my truth.
I was doing things hoping to be recognized, and never asked myself what I wanted.
I enjoy the experience of things. I may not want to engage long-term, but I am open to giving life a full try.
It’s okay to realize that something is not correct for you and to walk away.
I don’t know where I am headed, and that’s okay– this understanding provides me with more chances to be surprised by life.
Trying things out is what works for me. I need to experience things for myself.
Everybody should get what they desire, to see if it’s actually what they want. I think many people will be relieved to know that what they’re chasing after won’t satisfy them. There will always be another thing to chase.
Life will give you more than you asked for.
Depression and its symptoms are signs that something is not working in alignment.
I got everything I wanted and I was depressed in ways, I had never been!
Nothing outside of me can be the source of my happiness.
The journey from seeking external validation to finding happiness within is where my true liberation began.
The gift of knowing!