7 Stages of Grieving a “Breakup” With Your Employer
At some point along my journey, grief started to journey alongside me.
It accompanied me as I mourned identities, plans, relationships, jobs, visions of the future, people, experiences, and places I’ve called home.
And I’ve learned that even during the grieving state, I can still experience peace.
Please note that this article was originally published on my website www.charliiestruth.com, and is now being shared on Medium for a broader audience.
The first time I became aware of what depression looked like for me, was during my time in the military.
During this time, I started struggling with deciding whether I would separate from the military. I went to talk to a therapist who advised me that I was going through the stages of grief. At the time, I looked up the stages of grief, but never thought much else about it.
Recently, I revisited the idea of the 7 stages of grief and realized that I had experienced them other times, in similar circumstances.
In my experience, it had been those times when my spirit put me on notice that it was time for change. The change usually dealt with the closing of the door to my current employment, to move on to something new, something uncertain, and something I had yet to realize.
I’ve been through all these stages three times for sure, and one time, I experienced some of these stages.
I wanted to share the 7 stages of grief (I believe I experienced) when I ended my relationships with my employers.
Below, I share reflections from one of my seasons of grief.
At the time of writing this article, this was still a very fresh experience for me so I added my own experience and put the stages in the order in which I experienced them.
I acknowledge that everyone grieves differently. I acknowledge that the timeframe in which these stages occur can be as short as a couple of weeks to a span of a year or more.
In my personal experience, I experienced one month of the stages and I have also experienced them over the timespan of one year.
If you have experienced these stages or feel yourself currently experiencing them, know that it gets better.
Or maybe it’s not about it getting better, it’s also about us more adept at navigating through the ever-evolving experience.
Also, feel free to share your own experience in the comments.
Additionally, if you read this and realize that you were grieving and hadn’t realized it, join the crowd; sometimes we don’t know the label of things when we acknowledge its presence (at least, I typically don’t).
Note: You may find yourself experiencing a similar journey of the grieving stages during your life transitions or transformations. Remember that this is a journey. Life is a journey. And you, my good friend, are on your journey!
Love you. You are absolutely amazing!
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
And so it begins…
Shock (Desperate for Answers):
Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. And when we acknowledge that a relationship is about to end, we tend to not want to deal with what’s next. Our minds seek to try and understand why it has or is happening.
My experience: I started to feel empty. My eyes would water for no apparent reason and I just would become tired and frustrated with myself. I was annoyed that I wasn’t enjoying the job. I was annoyed that I was becoming frustrated with the work I was doing. Why couldn’t I just be happy in this job? Why couldn’t I be numb to all these feelings?
I had friends who were looking for work like this, why don’t I enjoy it? How come I keep feeling this way when I work in these “ideal” traditional roles? I thought this time would be different. However, I was disappointed and wanted to understand WHY I was feeling and experiencing this lack of fulfillment. I couldn’t believe it was happening again!
Denial:
The rejection of reality. We want to believe that this isn’t really happening and if we don’t accept it, then maybe it’s not happening. Hoping that it is just a phase and it will pass. Believing that the relationship can be saved.
My experience: I was telling myself that it was a phase and it would pass. That I was just having a rough couple of weeks and things would get better. And every time other people shared how they had experienced the same feelings while doing this kind of work, it made it easier to convince myself that it would get better. I would tell myself, “This too shall pass.” However, it was an attempt to delay the inevitable, but at least it kept me from experiencing the TRUTH (for a little while longer).
Bargaining:
This stage is often about trying to figure out how to fix what may have caused the relationship to change. It’s about trying to find a solution to whatever is wrong with your employment. You may start specifically praying and asking God to give you peace. You may start making deals within yourself, even though you know at the end of it all, it’s just not going to work.
My experience: I was telling myself that I should wait a bit longer; and give it more time. Convincing myself that maybe I could deal with it another month or two, even though I knew this was temporary and I knew that it was a matter of time before I would be unable to suppress my depression without it affecting my work. I even tried to change my role at work and do more of what I knew I loved, but not even that could stop the inevitable.
Isolation:
This stage will have you in withdrawal. Sometimes you’ll feel isolated and alone or just want to isolate yourself. This may feel better than having to deal with people and accepting that, yes, it’s over. You may even replay the journey during your employment to see where things had gone wrong. When things had changed.
My Experience: I stopped wanting to talk to work people or hang with them. I started to feel shame for continuing to discuss my unhappiness, so instead of talking to friends and asking for advice, I started to feel like I couldn’t trust anyone with my feelings. I was losing hope, but I kept trying to ignore that I needed to take action to create the life I wanted. And so I isolated myself and started to focus on what I knew, which was, that only God could help me through this. Reality was — I was allowing some of my [work] relationships to come to an end, that way, it wouldn’t be so hard to let go.
Depression:
Feeling sad; other times guilty, ashamed, or depressed. You may be recalling what your life was like before things got here.
My experience: I experienced the stages of depression and isolation together. With everything else I had experienced or was experiencing, I was starting to go in and out of depression. I was sad, disappointed, and frustrated.
Anger/Fear:
I am so angry about what has and is happening; I am angry at them/him/her/myself; I know life is about more than this; I am afraid of the future, the uncertainty, of being unemployed or getting another job where I am just as miserable; how many times will I change jobs –this is annoying. Ugh. Why can’t I be normal?
My experience: Anger was a response to the hurt, disappointment, and sadness I was experiencing. Part of me believed that if I was normal, I would be able to just deal with this job; so I was mad at myself. The other part of me blamed the lack of leadership, accountability, and the way the court system was run; so, I was mad at my managers and the organization. Then I was mad at my co-workers; the work environment had become toxic and so I couldn’t even ignore how uncomfortable I was. I WAS PISSED! Just when I thought I could deny that I needed to resign, I would walk into work with so much anxiety because I had started to feel unsafe.
I WAS GETTING TO MY BREAKING POINT.
Then comes fear. Fear hit me because I knew I was about to leave a job that provided an income that was rolling in every two weeks. I was afraid and nervous about the uncertainty. I was concerned about my ability to venture out on my own since I had no intentions of applying for another job ( I didn’t hear God telling me to apply for another job).
And though I heard what God was calling me to, listening to everyone else’s opinion, along with my own nervousness, started causing me a tremendous amount of anxiety. The reality was, that no matter how much I planned or prepared for my transition, the consequences of leaving my job were out of my control.
I kept telling myself that I would be okay with them firing me, but something about me deciding to resign was scary because then it became my choice to leave, which meant (to me) that whatever resulted was my fault. I didn’t want to take personal responsibility for my life!
Acceptance & Hope:
You have finally come to accept what happened, possibly why it happened, and that things will get better. You may also accept that you may never understand the WHY behind the ending of this employment. You may accept your role; you have let go of the employment and all the hurt, frustration, and pain you felt in your role there. The heavy weight on your shoulder is lifted, and you’re feeling like yourself again. Your confidence has returned!
My experience: I accepted that what I had experienced at this job was a part of MY journey. I acknowledged that I had been here before and God got me through it. I stopped blaming the environment and people’s actions for my feelings, and accepted that things were what they were. I took full responsibility for my life and accepted that whether I stayed or left my job, I was making a choice.
I still didn’t condone the things I had experienced, but I wasn’t trying to change the past, the people, or My TRUTH. I dealt with what I had control of.
Hope:
I learned from my past employers and now I’m free. I have hope for a more purpose-filled career or I’m already in one. I am excited about the future. I remember the promise that God gave to me regarding my WHY. Hope motivates when discouragement comes (not sure who originally said this statement ).
My experience: I remembered God’s promise to me. I accepted that I would live through this experience and it I would grow in wisdom and faith. Additionally, I have been transformed by this experience. I am taking control of my life, living authentically, and allowing God to mold me into the woman I need to become, to walk in my purpose.
I have a well-made mind to be obedient to God’s prompting, no matter how afraid I am. I have hope that God has and will line up the right people and opportunities. I have hope that things are going to get better from here… I am confident in my abilities, and in what God will do in and through me, and I am living in abundance!
WHAT I REALIZED & LEARNED, DURING & AFTER, THE GRIEVING STAGES:
I’ve been here before.
You can experience these stages in any order, and in some cases, you’ll hit some of the stages more than once!
I was delaying the inevitable.
Security is an illusion; find security within yourself (“God is in me, I shall not be afraid.”)
Sh*t happens and you live through it.
God has carved a path specifically for me and it’s time I walk it.
I had left my last 3 jobs and last internship… there was a clear message that what I was trying, wasn’t lining up with my values or purpose (which was resulting in suffering).
God used those journeys.
Whatever happens, God got me.
Faith & Fear have one thing in common, they believe in a future or thing that has yet to exist.
You don’t have control of what happens outside of you.
There are times when the next chapter is better than you could have imagined.
You’ll survive [and if not, then… =)]!
I am thankful for it all.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
Live in your truth. Accept where you are. Remember that this is a journey.
And love yourself just a bit more in your thoughts, actions, and decisions.
xx,
CHARLiiE