HEAL THE HURT: Life After the Military
Nothing prepared me for the emotional rollercoaster my decision would invite me to. I was ushered into a turbulent journey of self-discovery, healing, and triumph.
Please note that this article was originally published on my website www.charliiestruth.com, and is now being shared on Medium for a broader audience. Shoutout to 31-year-old me, for the gems.
After over ten years of not journaling, on April 18, 2011, I wrote my first journal entry, which began my twelve-plus years of recording my life journey. At the time, I was 2.5 years into my military enlistment with the United States Air Force and was expecting to separate at the end of my enlistment.
I was depressed, frustrated, and angry. In my journal, you can witness the emotional rollercoaster I was experiencing. It was clear; I was concerned about life after the military. However, I don’t think it occurred to me that in addition to my transition out of the military, I would have to figure out how to heal the hurt.
As I sat and started to read some of my first journal entries, I couldn’t help but wonder how many other veterans were experiencing this pain. How many other veterans needed a “how to” for their service-connected hurt?
There were times when I read my journal and smiled, I could remember the days; they weren’t all sad.
Then there were parts where I wanted to cry because I wish I had been kinder to myself. I wish there was someone who would have told me that these feelings were okay and that I would get through them.
Instead, I remember yelling in my apartment at God, asking why I had to feel such heartache. Why couldn’t I catch a break? Why was I “let down” by the Air Force?
It was clear — I had placed blame on everyone and everything.
I WAS HURT! DISAPPOINTED! LOST! AND LACKED PEACE!
Photo by Camila Quintero Franco on Unsplash
I shamed myself for being depressed. I blamed my family because I believed the circumstances of my upbringing were the cause of my decision to join. I blamed the military because I (unrealistically) expected them to be these honorable humans who stood behind all the core values.
Instead, I learned that oftentimes, it was every man for his, her, or themselves, no integrity, and mediocre was the standard.
Man… I was angry.
I was angry and scared, and because I felt let down… the transition was that much harder. My own mindset was causing me grief and confusion, and when I look back now, it was not properly dealt with — despite my seeking professional help.
So how did I heal? How did I let go of my ill feelings and take back my power?
I share with you 6 things, outside of journaling, that I know for sure helped me heal.
Photo by Content Pixie on Unsplash
Here is my version of — How to heal the hurt!
CHECK YOUR MINDSET
Even with the little I shared above, it is clear that my mindset was all wrong; I focused on the wrong things. I spent a lot of time being angry which really didn’t help me get out of my pain and frustration any sooner. Honestly, I think I wanted to stay angry because it made the “breakup” from the military easier to deal with. It helped me feel justified in my decision.
But once I started being grateful for the experience, realized the doors that have now been opened for me, and celebrated the fact that I had come a long way — I experienced peace!! I had never known peace like the peace I experienced when I changed my mindset and stopped fighting against change. Better yet, the change of mindset helped me stop fighting against MYSELF.
PRAY BECAUSE PRAYER WORKS
With the advice of my eldest sister, I started praying day and night. And as I focused more on God and a little less on my circumstances, I started to get more clarity. I was able to see the opportunity around me and it helped me to celebrate and bask in knowing that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I started getting to know God on a more personal level during these years, and I even got baptized.
My heart and my mind were changed. Which helped me cope and have hope that this too shall pass.
(Recently, God told me to stop praying like I am praying to SOMETHING outside mySelf. I was reminded that God is within and that I can trust the connection. I can trust that I am never alone. This isn’t about religion but about a relationship with God/Source. We always get what we need, when we need it.)
ACCEPT THINGS AS THEY ARE
Eventually, I got to a place where I realized that things were what they were. Me blaming my supervisor, myself, my family, and anyone else wasn’t bringing me happiness and was disturbing my peace. My anger and frustration did not solve any of the issues I had, and it was holding me back from enjoying my decision. Reality was, I WAS SEPARATING, and that meant a new beginning.
Was I scared? Absolutely. I was SCARED as HELL! But what frightened me more was the thought of staying enlisted and losing the light of my Spirit. I accepted that the military was a great start for me, but it wasn’t my destination. It wasn’t anyone’s fault what had happened, things were what they were, and I was walking away a new woman.
You can’t heal what you don’t reveal, and being honest about where I was, helped me get past it.
ACCEPT YOUR TRUTH
I had spent so many years not knowing who I was and harboring anger from my childhood. It was during those last two years of service that I realized that I had to let go and start healing. I started to intentionally delve deeper into my thoughts, feelings, and motives for the decisions I was making.
I acknowledged my deep-rooted pain, and how it was showing up in my life. I started asking for forgiveness, not just from others, but forgiveness from myself.
Slowly, I started to seek self-understanding, through self-love and self-acceptance. This helped me to make decisions about my separation with a clear heart and mind. It helped me to show compassion for myself and view my circumstances as an opportunity to emerge into my true self.
I started having more confidence in my decision to separate because I was able to see my capability and believe in it. This made it easier to talk about my choice without being defensive.
At the end of it all, this was a decision for me.
What other people thought of it was none of my business. Not only was my military hurt being healed, but also the hurt I harbored from my childhood. I was starting to shed who I thought I was.
ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE ENOUGH
The idea of life after the military can be a scary one. You think about all the horror stories you hear and it causes you to panic and then your ego chimes in and makes matters even worse. I had to realize that I was enough. And you too, ARE ENOUGH!
All the blame that I had tried to dish out… none of it mattered. In reality, whatever part people played in the story didn’t change my worth. It didn’t change my ability to make a difference in this world. It didn’t change that I had a purpose.
Life after the military helped me realize that everything I needed was already in me. This helped me become more confident. I wasn’t just confident in my ability to survive life after the military, but I was confident that I had a greater purpose and I was whole.
We are all born whole and when we acknowledge this truth, it’s easier to forgive others and focus on our life purpose. We don’t need to take things personally; people and things don’t change your greatness. And when you live with this realization, you understand that holding on to hurt is disempowering, and holds you back from being your whole self.
So when the pain sweeps in and you’re in need of something to help heal the hurt, focus on things that invite you to practice self-love and self-acceptance!
PLAN, FOLLOW THROUGH & CELEBRATE
Hey! My journey was what it was. One thing I can say is that I NEVER REGRETTED my decision to join the USAF; it was something I believed I needed and wanted. However, when you are experiencing such deep pain, with no one around to support you, you tend to lash out and lose control of yourself.
When I realized I might have to separate, I decided to “grind” harder. I finished my degree and accepted an internship with the San Antonio Police Department. I wanted to do more of what made me happy and interning with the SAPD excited me and made me feel alive!
I continued to make decisions that I knew would benefit me for my life after the military. And I celebrated every one of them.
I choose happiness.
I choose peace.
I started taking better care of myself by celebrating during the journey, instead of waiting for the military journey to end.
Who cared about life after the military, when I had life in the now. Part of the healing process is being able to find gratitude in what you have around you. I learned to appreciate where I was and to celebrate it.
I had spent so many years just trying to get to the next thing, that I wasn’t even present in the moment.
Depression, as much as it hurt me, helped wake me up, because after experiencing depression is when I started living in color.
Dear Sister-in-Arms/Brother-in-Arms:
Life after the military continues to take you on a journey of Self. I am so grateful for the ability to take my experience and write these words.
How to heal your hurt, is my love note to you. I can go on and on about the steps I’ve taken since I decided to separate. In addition to how I started living according to my purpose.
But reality is, what matters to me, is that you know that life gets better. And maybe better is not the focus, but different. A new experience. A new opportunity. Another version of you.
The journey can get very rocky, but you can live through it, and you will get through.
Take it a day at a time. Take it a moment at a time. And be kind to yourself while you do it.
The thought of life after the military can be scary and it brings with it so many emotions. When things seem chaotic, I recommend you take a deep breath and remind yourself who you are. YOU ARE CAPABLE OF MIGHTY THINGS.
And if you feel lost, confused, and all over the place, take the intentional time needed to refocus and reconnect with yourself. Your mindset will change your experience; I wish I had realized that sooner.
But you will feel so much better in your transition when you’re honest with yourself. If you find that you need help — ask for it.
Thank you for being so brave. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for your service.
You are going to do amazing things in the civilian sector — stay accountable to your dreams.
ILY
xx,
CHARLiiE