Transformative Insights: The Gift of Self-Sabotaging Behavior
Things aren’t always what they seem! Did you know Self-sabotaging is a way we COPE?!
Photo by Iulia Mihailov on Unsplash
In May of 2023, I started reading the book, The Mountain is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage into Self-Mastery by Brianna Wiest. It’s a self-help book– all about self-sabotage, and babbbbyyyyy, that book came into my life, RIGHT ON TIME!
Before reading this book, self-sabotage was a thing I’d hear someone talk about and roll my eyes. The context I’ve heard it in, seemed like the term was just being thrown around with no true understanding. And no depth.
Admittedly, I never took the time to understand self-sabotage and did not have much thought about it.
It was a thing, it was happening, and I had yet to officially knowingly meet her acquaintance…
and then I did !!
In this article, I want to share some insights from the book, The Mountain is You, and share how it has impacted my life and my perspective on self-Sabotage.
To think about it… it’s impacted the entirety of my experiences, by expanding my awareness and perspective.
Every experience has it’s purpose… and that leads me to…
Photo of the Cover of The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage into Self-Mastery by Brianna Wiest. Please note: My focus here will be on Self-Sabotage, and not the book as a whole. I do, however, HIGHLY recommend you give the book a read.
What is Self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage is a coping mechanism we use to meet a need or emotion that’s being neglected. It protects us and soothes the discomfort we feel from that neglect.
When I think about this definition as an experience— It’s like you’re feeling as if you’re missing something; like, you’re not whole. (reminds you of anything else?)
In The Mountain is You, Wiest defines self-sabotage as simply the presence of an unconscious need that is being fulfilled by the SELF-SABOTAGING behavior.
Wiest emphasizes that self-sabotage often stems from a lack of self-worth and awareness.
FRIENDS?!
Do you see that?! Do you see that definition?
Can you feel the vision?
It got ego written all over it!
THE EGO
When I think about the ego, I think of it as a guard or protector.
It’s a collection of memories and experiences that forms a shield around our sense of self. It draws upon past encounters to navigate the present, intending to safeguard us from potential threats or perceived dangers.
The ego acts as a repository of learned responses, shaping our reactions to the world based on prior knowledge, experiences, and memories.
And so– our ego attempts to shield us from perceived threats or emotional discomfort, and self-sabotaging behaviors are how our ego might go about doing that.
Processing this… I was stunned.
I had not thought about self-sabotage much, but this made so much sense! It felt like resonance.
When learning about the ways self-sabotage might be expressed, and how it expresses differently for each person…
It reminded me of our Ego!
And it got me thinking: many of these behaviors that we are pointing out in others, are simply expressions from their inner world. Messages to guide them into alignment.
And that was the overarching takeaway, for me!
Our behaviors; and our way of interacting with the world, are reflections of our beliefs. They are expressions of our inner world; conscious and unconscious.
Here’s my reality, I wanted to write this post after learning more about Self-Sabotage and seeing it expressed in my own life because I wanted to encourage you… encourage us.
When I used to hear people discuss self-sabotage, it was said with a tone of disgust, and shame… like we’re “failing” for having the experience. Or like, we’re knowingly choosing not to know our worth. *as if*
I know what it’s like to be told you’re “self-sabotaging,” and feel like you’re doing something wrong. Or to feel like you are broken, and people can see the most vulnerable parts of you.
I hope that this post encourages a more empowering perspective when you notice yourself engaging in self-sabotaging behavior, or anytime a loved one points it out.
I feel like sometimes we overlook the importance of granting ourselves grace.
We’ve spent many years of our lived experience “sleep,” and there is so much we don’t know about what is lurking beneath our consciousness.
I pray that you are being kind to yourself as you remember your soul’s essence, and release identities and beliefs that are not true to you.
Photo by Noah Clark on Unsplash
HERE ARE SOME PERSPECTIVES (from The Mountain is You, Chapter 1) :
As already mentioned:
Self-sabotage is a coping mechanism! It is what happens when we refuse to consciously meet our innermost needs, often because we do not believe we are capable of handling them!
It’s a way we give ourselves what we need without having to actually address what that need is.
It’s a way to cope– it’s not an answer, it’s not a solution, and it does not ever truly solve a problem. It’s a temporary relief.
That is all. That is it.
Additionally, Weist mentions that self-sabotage is not always obvious at the onset. For many people, their fears and attachments are very often just symptoms of deeper issues for which they do not have any better way to cope.
Some examples Wiest shared on how self-sabotage might be expressed covertly are:
In relationships:
We sometimes sabotage our relationships because what we really want is to find ourselves, though we are afraid to be alone.
Personal Success:
We sometimes sabotage our success because what we really want is to create art, even if it will make us seem less ambitious by society’s measures.
I remember I used to hope jobs would fire me because I wanted to leave, but did not want to appear flaky. For most jobs I had, I wanted to leave within 6 months; sometimes sooner. I could feel the change in my work ethic. I was exhausted. I half-as*ed the work. I was there, but not present. I did not want to be responsible for quitting, but I convinced myself that I was okay with being fired, because hey– they let me go, it wasn’t my fault (I never got fired, lol, but whew, what a time).
Our Remembrance Journey:
We sometimes sabotage our healing journey by psychoanalyzing our feelings, because doing so ensures we avoid actually experiencing them.
Self-Talk:
Self-sabotage in self-talk often involves negative thought patterns and limiting beliefs.
Sometimes we sabotage our self-talk because if we believe in ourselves, we’d feel free to get back out in the world and take risks, and that would leave us vulnerable. We would open ourselves to the possibility of sharing our process in public!
Self-sabotage comes from irrational fears.
Most self-sabotaging behaviors are the results of long-held and unexamined fears we have about the world and ourselves.
These fears become attachments over time.
So the focus here is to become aware of what your fears are. Become aware of what your needs are. Pay attention to the sensations in your body as you’re going about your everyday life. Start to pay attention to the subtle ways your body may be communicating with you.
If we can become aware of the real issue (maybe our abstract fear represents a legitimate fear we have), we can begin working to resolve it. And address our actual need!
Self-Sabotage comes from unconscious, negative associations.
Can we say it together, friends?!
EGO!!!
When we self-sabotage, it is often because we have a negative association between achieving the goal we aspire to and being the kind of person who has or does that thing.
For example, I wanted to be financially stable, with a thick savings. Yet I would spend as soon as I got it. Or be overly generous with my finances.
I went back to my first concepts of money. The times when I saw what money did to my family. How people would lie and steal from one another. I developed the belief that I would rather give the money to them than have them steal from me. So I would offer before people got desperate enough to take it.
Even thinking back about it… it’s heavy. And draining.
wheeewwwww…
Self-sabotage is very often the simple product of unfamiliarity.
Humans tend to experience a natural resistance to the unknown because it is essentially the ultimate loss of control.
And as I mentioned before, the Ego wants to protect us.
We find ways both consciously and unconsciously to bring ourselves to a place of comfort. And sometimes comfort comes from engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors.
Finally, Self- sabotage comes from belief systems.
Again, I am thinking — ego!
What you believe to be true about your life, and yourself is what you will make true about your life.
I am a firm believer that we can limit our experience by the rules and perimeters we place around what is possible. Around who we say we are… and what we’re available for.
In the case of addressing self-sabotaging patterns… it is crucial for us to be aware of outdated narratives and beliefs we have, and have the courage to change them.
Storytime: For a long time, I would refer to myself as a b*tch. I had taken on the identity of this straightforward, tactless person, who said it like it was and did not care how it was received.
This approach was my way of protecting myself. For me, being viewed as a b*tch often meant that people would not “try me.”
But as I got older, and softened. Lightened up. I realized what was under my expression and changed how I expressed it. I realized I was not actually a b*tch; it was a mask. I was overwhelmed by the way this world worked. And my approach was to protect myself, by targeting others.
And let’s also consider this perspective…
There’s no such thing as self-sabotage.
In Chapter 2 Wiest states:
When you habituate yourself to do things that move your life forward, you call them skills. When they hold your life back, you call them self-sabotage. They are both essentially the same function.
With different labels.
I highly recommend seeking out an understanding of self-sabotaging behavior. Recognizing the diverse ways self-sabotage may manifest is key.
It’s important that we understand that encountering self-sabotaging behaviors doesn’t necessitate judgment or shame; rather, it reflects our ego’s attempt to care for our vulnerable human selves —
the intention is well, but the method, not so much!
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Wiest’s perspective of self-sabotage reminds me of what I realized about procrastination a year earlier.
These behaviors, like our emotions, have a purpose; they are messengers and guides. They are gifts!
They can help us understand our core needs.
Guide us to our truth.
And help us to find healthier, more nourishing ways to get our needs met.
By recognizing our self-sabotaging behaviors — we can use them to uncover deeper and more important truths about who we are as a person and what we want and need out of life.
Which perspective(s) on self-sabotage resonates with you the most? Have you seen any expressed in your life?
Feel free to share your questions, thoughts, feedback, and/or experiences in the comments.
I am deeply grateful for you!
Additional Note — Self-sabotaging behavior can express as:
Resistance; Hitting Your Upper Limit; Uprooting; Perfectionism ; Limited Emotional Processing Skills; Justification; Disorganization; Attachment to what you don’t really want; Judging others; Pride; Guilt of Succeeding; Fear of Failing; Downplaying; Procrastination; Unhealthy Habits; Being “Busy”; Spending time with the wrong people; Worrying about irrational fears and least likely circumstances
**This can be of the same frequency, and the expression can be different. Though two people may be self-sabotaging, it does not have to express the same. It is impossible to say decisively what self-sabotage does or doesn’t look like, because certain habits and behaviors that can be healthy for one person can be unhealthy in another context.
Reference: from, The Mountain is You, starting at pp. 31