Being with Imperfections: A Journey of Self-Discovery
If I could talk to my 27-year-old self, I’d reveal a simple truth: you are truly perfect. With a proud smile, I’d tell her that though life may seem to be a bit overwhelming and not make much sense, every twist and turn in her journey holds a deep and loving purpose.
I’d emphasize that she doesn’t require fixing; there’s no brokenness. In this very moment, she is precisely who she’s meant to be. And she has every reason to be proud.
2019 ?, author’s photo — Please note that this article was originally published on my website www.charliiestruth.com, and is now being shared on Medium for a broader audience.
I’ve come to a place in life where I can view my perceived “flaws,” without feeling shame, disappointment, or sadness.
Before, I would respond defensively and feel like “I’d never be fixed.” Every time someone would say something about me, I felt as if they were attacking me; telling me I was not enough. It felt as if what people were saying to me was eating at me bit by bit, sometimes dimming my internal light.
This self-talk would often lead to me feeling frustrated and defeated. It was only when I was able to realize that (1) I am already whole and (2) I don’t need to be fixed, that I was able to be open to the fact that I had some sh*t within me, to deal with, and that is okay.
The things I needed to deal with, weren’t anything to be ashamed or afraid of. Some of it came as a result of my own decisions and some dated back as far as before childhood.
I also came to terms with there being no need to point a finger or place blame for what was or is. If there was a “mess” within me, it was my responsibility to get it cleaned up. And I made the choice that I would clean it up! I would get to the root of my pains; my human suffering.
So recently when I witnessed myself reacting out of anger to a message I received, I took a step back.
I am aware that I am not my emotions, but I am behind the expression of those emotions. And I need to be mindful of how I respond to how I am feeling.
When I feel emotions like anger, I like to check in with myself and see if I can get to the root of that emotion.
In this case, my anger was towards my father. And the thing is, what triggered the anger wasn’t about me, at the surface. It was how he was talking to my sibling.
But somewhere along the way, I felt triggered and it made me take what was happening personally; as if it was being said to and about me. It really clicked when I noticed I was writing “we” instead of “she or her.”
His comments took me back to a season where I felt rejected and unloved, as a result of not doing things the way my father or mother wanted or expected me to.
Photo by Dev Asangbam on Unsplash
As I took time to meditate and journal, I was able to see that though I like to “play” nice … I wasn’t being honest.
In fact, I had not been honest in my relationship with my father for many years. I wasn’t cool with my father because I was good with him (aka having no issues to address).
I was cool with him because I stopped speaking up and instead, decided to accept whatever relationship I could get from him, even if it wasn’t healthy.
In my meditation, my (higher) Self told me to take care of myself.
I’m so quick to make things better; miss Fixer over here. But this time I was able to listen to Self and not do that.
Instead, I sent love to my father. I thought of all the amazing qualities he had and how grateful I was for him. Also, how grateful I was to acknowledge that I did not have to be afraid of his rejection.
I got me, always, in all ways!
I took to the mirror and told myself how much I loved myself. Reminded myself that I was doing great and how loveable I was.
The next morning I felt different.
Everything was different.
I was easily able to realize my relationships where I was stretching myself beyond what I truly desired. I started to see other relationships and areas where I was showing up in a state of fear.
Relationships where I wasn’t honoring my needs because I feared upsetting another person and them rejecting me. Reminding me of how I am a problem.
I knew that addressing the belief I have about abandonment is a strong lesson in my soul’s journey this lifetime. However, I did not realize that it was presenting itself to me daily.
I’m sharing this on the blog because I want to encourage everyone who reads this to know that healing, self-mastery, and remembrance of self — is a journey.
It’s an ongoing journey that is not linear.
There will be times when things from your childhood pop up, and you may try to convince yourself that you should be over it. Or maybe you’ll try to ignore it by convincing yourself that the other person doesn’t care.
But know this … healing takes time; allow it to process accordingly.
Keep in mind that the healing process is for you, not the other person. Whether they care or not is none of your concern.
That night, I saw with clear vision. Not from a place of blame, but a place of love.
I understood my father’s hero archetype and how it was acting out towards my sister. But I also got to witness the hurt and pain of my abandoned inner child.
In all, I am in a better space.
And though it was kind of like woooahhh. Acknowledging as an adult that I feared my father’s rejection and the possibility of him walking away — was a big pill to swallow. It was also freeing for me.
Now that the dense energy has reached my consciousness, I was able to transmute it by recognizing my truth; I am worthy. I am enough. I am love.
We don’t know every single thing that needs to be healed.
We are not aware of every belief suppressing our truth.
But when you’re ready to release it, it will present itself to your awareness.
When it does… I pray that you can accept what you’re experiencing and deal with it accordingly.
You deserve to be free– in mind, body, and spirit. You are worthy of a life of liberation.
When the moments come and you feel the discomfort rising within, say yes to the invitation. Say yes to the awakening.
Witness the sensation and allow the message it carries to make itself known to you.
These moments of discomfort are invitations to healing. To the expansion of consciousness. To the remembrance of the truth of who and what we are.
It is your way to freedom.
This healing and spiritual evolution journey isn’t always a pretty task.
But having a loving and accepting mindset will help a whole lot!
I don’t have all the answers, in fact, I have very little. But I learn something new and amazing about myself every day.
I’m learning how to better care for myself. And how to build my self-esteem in a way that honors me, in all relationships.
I want you to know that if you think, “I’d never be fixed,” know that you don’t need fixing. You are perfectly and wonderfully made! Plus, humans are inherently fallible.
Be kind to yourself.
The situation with my father may have appeared to be an unfortunate incident, but I am so grateful for it. It was the doorway to a honest and healthy relationship between us.
These “chaotic” situations can be a great opportunity if we accept it for what it is.
Every illusion brings with it a gift, the truth of your essence!
ILY. You are enough where you are, as you are… BELIEVE THAT!
xx
CHARLiiE
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The First Newsletter goes out the first week of March 2024.