Becoming Wise About Emotions: Your Journey to Personal Empowerment
Ever notice how certain people seem to have a knack for getting under your skin? It’s like they have a radar for your emotional buttons and keep poking until they get a reaction. And what’s worse, you keep giving them exactly what they want because you’re caught up in your emotions and feelings.
This article was originally published on my website, www.charliiestruth.com, and is now being updated and shared on Medium to reach a wider audience.
I facilitated a 31-day self-exploration journey through journaling. If you follow me, you know that I love journaling. However, I am more of a free writer than someone who uses journal prompts. Anywho, Wednesday, while I was journaling and completing the prompt, I was guided to recall the day I learned the power of emotions.
I was about 14 years old. I watched as my siblings were reacting to a statement my mother made to me. Watching them, I realized that emotions could be used to control people because people weren’t always in control of their reactions to their emotions.
As I wrote, I thought about how I learned to play on people’s emotions and how, too often, we allow others to trigger something in us to get a reaction. Before this, I had never even thought about when I realized I could manipulate people using emotions.
I remember in my past relationships my partners would say, “I like seeing you mad.”
Now I get it.
I understand that every time I reacted to those triggers I lost control of myself and it was them who found some pleasure in my pain. By triggering me, they could get me to act angry, hostile, defensive, or petty. I know this all too well because I’ve done it to others, and recognized the numerous times I had the space to do it.
Now that I am older, and gaining more wisdom, I take responsibility for my actions and mindfully acknowledge when something is likely to trigger a negative response from another person. Though I can see and acknowledge this ability within myself and externally, I realize that not everyone has made a mindful decision to become responsible for their feelings or be mindful not to intentionally trigger someone else’s dense emotions. But then again, maybe they have and just decided it’s way too much fun playing puppets; I’ve been there.
I often receive messages from individuals asking, “How should I handle my partner making me angry?” or stating, “She made me cry.”
These expressions fail to acknowledge their own agency in the situation; by attributing their emotional state solely to someone else’s actions, they relinquish responsibility for their own feelings.
As a keen observer of human behavior, I’ve come to understand that the root cause of our emotional responses — the stimulus — is often not the explicit source of our anger or frustration.
SERIOUSLY.
Often, the trigger itself is not the primary source of anger. So, when someone claims their partner is making them mad, it’s essential to examine the underlying cause of their anger
It’s usually how they said what they said or the fact that they actually said it. Or maybe they failed to do something that they said they would do.
All of those things have an underlying issue, which you can tap into. Their actions or words were ONLY an emotional trigger for the underlying issue, which resulted in your reaction.
Don’t you agree?
Try it out! Experiment, and see it for yourself.
Next time you’re experiencing anger or frustration angry at something outside of yourself:
1. Pause and Acknowledge Your Emotions:
When you feel angry or frustrated, take a moment to pause and acknowledge your feelings. Notice the sensations in your body and the intensity of your emotions.
2. Reflect on Your Thoughts:
After acknowledging your emotions, take a moment to reflect on your thoughts. What thoughts or beliefs are running through your mind at this moment? Are there any recurring patterns or narratives?
3. Ask Yourself Why:
Dive deeper into your thoughts by asking yourself why you feel this way. What specific event or action triggered your emotional response? What underlying beliefs or values are being challenged?
4. Identify the Root Cause:
With introspection, try to pinpoint the root cause of your emotional reaction. Is there a past experience or unresolved issue contributing to your feelings? Are there unmet needs or expectations influencing your response? Maybe you don’t feel heard, or you’ve experienced this kind of behavior in a previous connection and did not enjoy it.
5. Consider Alternative Perspectives:
Challenge your initial interpretation of the situation by considering alternative perspectives. Is there a different way to interpret the event or action that triggered your emotions? How might someone else perceive the situation? Is it possible you need to ask clarifying questions to confirm your understanding?
These steps can help you gain greater insight into the underlying issues behind your emotional reactions and develop a deeper understanding of yourself and your triggers.
When I first started this practice, I would make excuses and try to justify my story about my emotions. So obsessed with being angry and annoyed, that I didn’t want to accept that I was playing a part in it. I would continue to say that it was that person’s fault because of what they said or did.
Emotions are indeed inevitable, arising spontaneously, yet I realized that prolonged suffering was a choice. By allowing these emotions to linger and attributing blame to external factors, I perpetuated my own distress.
Over time, I gained insight into the ego and its management through mindfulness and presence. Through practicing mindfulness, I came to recognize that my insecurities and limiting beliefs were often at the core of my reactions. Rather than the actions or words of others, it was these internal factors that acted as emotional triggers, reigniting past wounds.
As I became aware of this process, I also recognized that delving into those underlying issues often revealed a need for healing. I began to understand that past pains were manifesting in various ways, signaling the necessity for internal reconciliation.
Additionally, I found it necessary to examine my own beliefs and evaluate their validity. Was I inadvertently imposing my standards and expectations on others? This introspection highlighted the significance of monitoring our thoughts. How often have unspoken expectations led to tension in our relationships or interactions?
Most of us have been there, thinking, “Well, they should have known!” Trust me, I get it.
I say all of that to say… your emotions are your responsibility.
They are guideposts and messengers that advise you on what’s happening within your internal world. I know that it may seem easier to blame others and make them solely responsible, but they aren’t the ones to blame.
I am not saying that we have to excuse people’s behavior, I am simply saying we need to keep our power despite what others choose to do.
You allow people to have power over you. Every time someone triggers you and you react, without awareness, you inadvertently grant them power over you.
We can witness this in everyday life.
When you witness an argument…observe the argument, not for who is right or wrong — because that doesn’t matter, but check the emotions in play. Listen to what is being said because that may tell you what the underlying issue is.
This is most evident in relationships.
Have you ever observed one partner saying or doing something to their significant other and then observing calmly while the other person becomes visibly upset? This reaction demonstrates an awareness of the power dynamics at play, even if it’s only subconscious (driven by the ego).
Emotions have the potential to overwhelm you, leading you to surrender your power to external factors, individuals, or circumstances. Allowing someone control or attempting to make them responsible for your EMOTIONS can give them a sense of power, but ultimately, it can be detrimental to both parties involved.
PLEASE NOTE: Emotions are part of our human experience. I am not saying that a response to anger, fear, or anxiety is in and of itself a negative or bad thing. The key here is RESPONSE vs. REACT. When we react, there is no pause, there is a habitual response. When we respond, we have consciously chosen how we will respond.
I have a sister who is undeniably a fighter (you can probably guess her zodiac sign), but she actively chooses that approach. I’ve never witnessed her simply reacting in the heat of the moment. Instead, she takes the time to reflect before potentially resorting to confrontation.
While I don’t endorse or justify violence, I’m using this example to illustrate a point. It’s not solely about the response itself; it’s about the thought process leading up to that response. Was it driven by an underdeveloped ego, or did the individual exhibit awareness in the moment and consciously decide how to express themselves? When you make a conscious choice, you retain your power — an outcome we strive for in this context.
So here it is… I mentioned the problem, and kind of gave a solution, but I will make it plain. Keep your POWER:
1. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS:
Mindfulness involves intentionally bringing your attention to the present moment without judgment. One effective way to cultivate mindfulness is through meditation. Set aside time each day to sit quietly, focusing on your breath or a specific sensation. Another technique is mindful breathing, where you take slow, deep breaths and focus your attention on the sensations of each inhale and exhale. Additionally, you can practice mindfulness throughout your day by bringing awareness to your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations as they arise.
2. DON’T REACT RIGHT AWAY:
Reacting impulsively to emotions can often lead to regrettable actions or words. By taking a moment to pause and breathe before responding, you give yourself the opportunity to collect your thoughts and choose a more intentional response. This pause allows you to tap into your higher reasoning and consider the consequences of your actions before acting.
3. THIS IS TEMPORARY:
Remind yourself that emotions, situations, and challenges are temporary. What may feel overwhelming or insurmountable at the moment may seem less significant with time and perspective. By recognizing the transient nature of emotions, you can avoid getting swept away by temporary feelings of distress and maintain a sense of equilibrium.
4. SEE PAST THIS MOMENT:
Trust in the bigger picture of life’s unfolding events. Even when faced with adversity or uncertainty, remind yourself that there is a purpose or lesson to be gleaned from every experience. Cultivating trust in the process of life allows you to surrender to the flow of events and approach challenges with greater resilience and acceptance. YOU GOT THIS!
5. FORGIVE:
Forgiveness is a liberating practice that involves releasing feelings of resentment or anger towards yourself or others. Journaling can be a powerful tool for processing emotions and gaining clarity on what needs to be forgiven. Visualization techniques, such as imagining yourself letting go of negative emotions, can also aid in the forgiveness process. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can provide additional guidance and perspective as you work through feelings of hurt or betrayal. It’s time to get to the root of things!
6. CHOOSE:
Recognize that you have the power to choose how you respond to situations. Rather than reacting impulsively based on emotions, consciously decide how you want to behave. This may involve setting boundaries, expressing your needs assertively, or choosing to disengage from situations that trigger negative emotions. By taking responsibility for your choices, you reclaim your power and agency in managing your emotional well-being.
7. FEEL:
Acknowledge and honor your emotions, whatever they may be. Avoid labeling emotions as good or bad, and instead, allow yourself to fully experience them without judgment. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during times of emotional distress. Engage in self-care activities that nurture your emotional well-being, such as spending time in nature, practicing gratitude, or connecting with supportive friends or loved ones. By honoring your emotions and practicing self-compassion, you can cultivate a deeper sense of emotional resilience and well-being.
What are your thoughts? How have you been handling your emotions lately? Please share.